I've been pacing the floor for about an hour now, waiting for my main system to finish doing whatever it is that it's doing with it's virus ridden self. I pace and I look and I grab at the wall and come back with a hand full of nothing, appropriately. And when I see my empty hands I realize the two things I want the most in life.

Firstly, I want to do something. I want to start a project and finish a project. I want to care about something again. About finishing something, about making something. There is a person I want to be who I am not, and I don't know why. I want to blame everything around me but I don't, and I can't, because that's not fair to me since it's my fault. Sure, I try to paint something every night on the Cintiq, but I find myself more frustrated with it and myself than anything else. Out of 12 nights of painting, I finish one thing. One thing that isn't even that good.

I'm discovering things that appeal to me more and more, things I think I really want to be a part of but am not. Things that quite literally just make me a filthy hipster but I love it, because there is something raw and appealing about it. To it's core, to mine. I want to try but I'm not sure where to find the energy. Days I go to work my day job are 'wasted' in my mind because I 'already did work today'. How the fuck is that viable in any sense? Why can't I just do like I tell myself I will and do?

I'm not the only one with this problem. I know two others who are just as desperate for purpose and place, finding a way to feel like we fucking belong here. And I want to help us but I can't and I don't know how because nothing works. And the cold hard fact that I, and we, will just sit here and die day after day and the only thing stopping us is ourselves doesn't seem to make a difference. What is happiness and fulfillment, and why can't we seem to find it?

And secondly, I just want to love again. To miss and be missed.

One of two will suffice, but both are probably necessary.

"If we could both find a way to do the things that we say, we might not sit our room and drink our daydreams away"