Convincing Myself

I keep lying and telling myself that the largest piece of motivation behind this project isn't just an excuse to talk to you again. I mean, the project itself means more to me than that, it really means everything to me right now. It's everything that's been plaguing and curing me for what has almost been a year, and maybe then some. It is about the important things in my life and what I've actually learned through all of this. But I can't pretend that an extremely important part of all of this was my relationship to you. And to my knowledge, you've only one out standing promise to me, and I hope you keep it.

I can already hear the horrible things that will be said about me once this is actually made public. I'm trying not to care, I really am, because this is more to me than anyone will know. Except, maybe you. And part of me is hoping that way.

I'm not going to lie to myself, and after I've tried every last thing I possibly can, I can look back and say "I was nothing but honest", and mean it. And then I will sit here, in love with you and alone, and read my book.