Forty-Seven

My mom turned 47 today. Fucking old, right, I know. Best part?

That's what my grandma got her for her birthday. Better part? She objected to it verbally to me several times, but I put the CD in when I was taking her home, and she was singing every song and dancing, but if I looked at her she'd stop like she thought she was doing something wrong. I couldn't stop laughing.

Amazing.

Upside Down Grin

When I had fucked with the settings on my standard brush a little too much, I was forced to try a few others.. I discovered a whole lot of different brushes that were really kind of suited for this sort of work. Mostly ones that help to add that dotty-skin texture that I put all over this one. Gives the skin that porous look it needs, things that color can't do by itself. (:

Sadly that brush doesn't help me much when it comes time to do hair..

Something light

Doodle doodle doodle.. sketch sketch sketch.. didn't quite end up like I hoped, but that's the story of me. (:

Pure

An excuse to draw a chest, collarbone and adam's apple. Might have failed one of those.

Reality & Boxxy

We bend the line between what is real and fake, constantly. The other night I had three of those dreams that felt so real I was sure they were:

• I confronted about the first, with no response. It was a choppy dream, but I saw events play out. I still have no real confirmation. I kind of don't want it, either, for the most part.
• The second was about my mother's boyfriend cutting his hand while slicing a tomato on accident during the making a salad for her. I went to her house, just so see if maybe I'm crazy. He was fine. I felt relived, and stayed with my mom for awhile. Before I left, he slipped cut his hand while slicing a tomato.
• In the third, I'm driving with someone and we get in a bad car accident. I am presuming I die.

So how do I take this, really? Clairvoyance? "the ability to gain information about an object, person, location or physical event through means other than the known human senses". I am very, very skeptical. Not believing in anything super-natural at all* really puts a fucking damper on my perspective of this. I'm trying not to think about it. As a mater of fact, writing about it right now is the last time we're going to talk about it.


I got stuck in the mud for 5 hours. I have documented this amazing event in comic format. However, it's all written in a little sketch-book of mine which I cannot scan. You will have to forgive the poor quality of it.

Just in case you missed the link to it, here it is once more.


*still afraid of ghosts, real or not ):

Nocturnal Beauty

Windy, kind of cold, maybe a broken ankle (or two?), and possibly a horrible tick infestation that will never go away(!!)

But so incredibly worth it.

For those who never get the chance

I'm tapping my fingers on everything around me, waiting. I'm not sure for what. I haven't slept in days, really, and things aren't where I thought they would be. I can either pretend and be miserable. Or be honest and be miserable. It's quite a deal I've worked out here! If only misery was more enjoyable.

The sad fact is though, that no matter how I cut it, I'm in love. And while I keep swallowing these pills and waiting for results, I can't help but notice that I'm independently realizing a lot. One thing being that no amount of pills will ever change the reason I'm in love, and that reason will probably always exist.

However, I am feeling more comfortable with myself. I finally understand what 'you might not be as cute as him but your personality more than makes up for it' meant. It had really kind of secretly upset me at the time because I could only focus on the 'you're not as cute as' part, but now I find solace in you telling me how much you liked being around me, even if you didn't use those words. I'm realizing that I'm worth being in love with, or I was. I'm happy with the fact that you did honestly love me, and I'm happy that I got that chance to be with you for as long as I did. I took a lot away from that relationship, even if I'm just now realizing it. Sure, we made each other very happy, and I'm sure we could make each other happy again, but even if we never do I should be focusing on the fact that we got to share that in the first place. Yeah, it's definitely a loss, and I hope it won't always be one, but if it has to be, then it has to be. I told you I wouldn't talk to you for a month after the first pop, but it's very difficult when I am actually honestly feeling good about myself and really want to share that news with you. I think you would appreciate it, if you'd let yourself.

I know I've said it several times. I fell in love with someone who is an amazing person. Someone who I think will always be an amazing person. Someone that I believe in and can have fun doing nothing with. But I think that when I'm myself, I'm pretty cool too, and I think the fact that someone who I find amazing saw that in me gives me more hope than anything else that I'm going to be OK. Sure, things are bad, but maybe if I try hard enough I can make things better again. For everyone I love. But most importantly, for me.


I know it really might not matter much, but I'm finally ready.

Art & Love

This is probably the best time in my life, artistically. I have about eight really really good opportunities. I'm hoping they make me happy like they should.

It's funny, no matter how many pills I swallow they'll never make you less beautiful. This is your curse though, not mine.

frank m. ahearn

The stress won't go away. It's constantly here now and there's not a fucking thing i can do to stop it. it's getting worse and it's killing me in more ways than one.

i've never really felt like a failure before. i really thought i'd never honestly give up hope. i'm at the very end of my rope, and i'm tired of this constant stomach pain. i'm sick of vomiting. i can't sleep or eat without feeling ill.

i don't care anymore about things. i just want to feel ok again. it's all i want. it's really all i want. and all the ways i know how to feel okay and get by are gone. i feel like i get in the way. so i'm going to move out of the way for awhile.


pat, i trust you and i believe you, even though you lied to me. if you don't think i'm worth knowing or worth being around, then i think you're right. i'm going to go fix that.

(and btw, i was working on a comic for you. i lie and say that it's only for myself, but it's really for you. only the first part was going to be about you though, the rest was about my grandma. she said she really really wanted to meet you when i saw her last and told her about you, and i told her that i thought you guys would get along great but she got sick two days after and then died. i kind of haven't been able to forgive myself for that, even though i know it's not my fault. she was the only one who was really OK with me being a faggot. she was my secret best friend. anyway i'll never finish it because no one is really going to give a shit about it, especially you. the sad part is, i think working on it was the only reason i didn't do this earlier.)


i'm going to go try and breathe again now

Make me feel like i belong

because I don't, really.

I can't sleep. At all. Despite the fact that I really want to. I've replaced sleeping with being super anxious and nervous. But what I lack in courage I make up for in being pathetic.

It really doesn't matter what I say or do or try, I still feel uncomfortable, almost all the time. It's probably just me, but I don't think I belong here. I really don't feel like I belong, and I don't think that's something you can teach. And this sinking feeling, it doesn't get better. I'm tired. And not from a sleepless thirty-six hours.

I've tried everything, but realizing that you have nothing is kind of fucked. Please, save me.

Which is different, and more important

"We're just going to lose. What is that going to do to us? Does that not have a fucking price tag attached to it?"

"It will wreck us. It will be viciously costly."

"Wouldn't it be better just to quit now?"

"NO. Because we will be OK if we fail. We will get up and we will be OK someday. Not soon, but someday. But if we give up now then we will never, ever be okay because a) we will never be the people we want to be and b) we will not have done all the things worth doing."

"I want to do something worth doing, it's just so fucking scary, it's so fucking scary I'm so fucking scared.. Because I know that this is it for me, for this."

"Yeah I'm totally fucking terrified. You know why? Because we're putting ourselves out there in a big way for maybe the first time, and it's terrifying, because we know that they won't accept us. So let's FUCKIN DO IT."

"..are you really drunk?"

"Completely fucking smashed."