For those who never get the chance

I'm tapping my fingers on everything around me, waiting. I'm not sure for what. I haven't slept in days, really, and things aren't where I thought they would be. I can either pretend and be miserable. Or be honest and be miserable. It's quite a deal I've worked out here! If only misery was more enjoyable.

The sad fact is though, that no matter how I cut it, I'm in love. And while I keep swallowing these pills and waiting for results, I can't help but notice that I'm independently realizing a lot. One thing being that no amount of pills will ever change the reason I'm in love, and that reason will probably always exist.

However, I am feeling more comfortable with myself. I finally understand what 'you might not be as cute as him but your personality more than makes up for it' meant. It had really kind of secretly upset me at the time because I could only focus on the 'you're not as cute as' part, but now I find solace in you telling me how much you liked being around me, even if you didn't use those words. I'm realizing that I'm worth being in love with, or I was. I'm happy with the fact that you did honestly love me, and I'm happy that I got that chance to be with you for as long as I did. I took a lot away from that relationship, even if I'm just now realizing it. Sure, we made each other very happy, and I'm sure we could make each other happy again, but even if we never do I should be focusing on the fact that we got to share that in the first place. Yeah, it's definitely a loss, and I hope it won't always be one, but if it has to be, then it has to be. I told you I wouldn't talk to you for a month after the first pop, but it's very difficult when I am actually honestly feeling good about myself and really want to share that news with you. I think you would appreciate it, if you'd let yourself.

I know I've said it several times. I fell in love with someone who is an amazing person. Someone who I think will always be an amazing person. Someone that I believe in and can have fun doing nothing with. But I think that when I'm myself, I'm pretty cool too, and I think the fact that someone who I find amazing saw that in me gives me more hope than anything else that I'm going to be OK. Sure, things are bad, but maybe if I try hard enough I can make things better again. For everyone I love. But most importantly, for me.


I know it really might not matter much, but I'm finally ready.